When Your New Year Doesn't Turn Out As New & Shiny As You Planned

So...yeah...
When Your New Year Doesn't Turn Out As New & Shiny As You Planned...

...Guess what?

2018 is new, or so my calendar tells me; but its definitely NOT shiny or much different than 2017.

Yes, we're only  9 days in.

But I feel like there is always this new, optimistic view around the new year that at least lasts the first few weeks or so.

Not so much this year.

We stayed home New Years Eve and New Years day without plans, because sometimes doing nothing is something amazing!

New Years Day, I got a call from my Mom saying that Josh moved back to school today and was welcomed by no heat in his dorm. In the 5 degree temps. Awesome.

Like I mentioned, we had spent New Years Day hanging around the house and doing not much of anything. That included a nap for me.

...and then I woke up from a nap with some contractions.

...and then some more, and more painful ones.

You can guess where this is headed.

Yep, back to St. Anthony's.

Yep, they recognized me from the past 3 visits.

Nothing terribly exciting happened that visit, they basically came to the conclusion that I am "just someone who has a lot of contractions."

Awesome.

The next day we both headed back to work. which included a sick toddler who was feeling super cuddly.

And then I got another call from Mom saying that little brother had heat back, but a frozen pipe had then thawed and left a nice, watery mess on the carpet below his bed.

...and that he was getting treated for Strep Throat. Again.

No, I can't make this up.

Fast forward to the weekend.

Chad's phone lines at work were down most of the weekend.

Saturday night has easily been the highlight of the year so far.

We had some amazing friends throw us a diaper party for Silas! It was so great to see everyone, and kind of a type of "last hurrah" before getting into Mom and Dad mode.

We had so much fun, and are so thankful for the group of friends we have been given!

Sunday I started feeling a bug coming on.

Remember that sick and snuggly toddler?

She seemed to have "snuggled" some of her germs into my immune system despite my best efforts.

Made it through a relatively uneventful Monday, and then we came to this morning.

Mom suggested I called my OB to see what would be best to take to kick this thing.

His response was not something anyone was anticipating...

"...yeah, you need to go to Labor and Delivery and get a flu test and get looked at. You're too close to delivery to have a potentially dangerous bug hanging on when you're about to have the baby. I'll let them know you're coming, and will be in later this afternoon."

Um. What.

I called asking for what kind of cough medicine would be best, I did NOT sign up for my 2nd visit to the hospital already in 2018! (and 5th overall this pregnancy if you've been counting.).

So after some shuffling of children and work plans, back to St. A's we went.

Yes, they recognized me; and put me in the same room as the past few visits with the same nurse.

The running joke for the afternoon was that she needed to text me her work schedule so that we would know when to come in and then she could be there for the birth.

They also started calling the room they put me in "My room".

I was seen by the house doctor, and according to the monitors I was also having contractions every 2-9 minutes. Again, What. That is NOT what I signed up for.

Negative flu swab, blood work came back okay, so after a visit from my OB we were sent home.

He did say that once we hit 36 weeks (next MONDAY!) he won't be stopping labor if it starts again.

So we could be welcoming our little boy any time from next Monday to basically the end of February if I go the allowed amount of time after my due date.

I think in this new and not-shiny year, God is teaching us a crash course on a part of parent life that I figured would be a struggle for us...expecting the unexpected, and that we can't control everything this little guy does.

 And to be very honest, we're both struggling and feeling discouraged with this all.

Neither of us are sleeping well, feeling well, and we're just plain worn out and emotionally wrung out.

Admitting that weakness (or whatever you want to call it) is not easy.

But it's definitely putting the prayer life through a huge workout and growing season.

And I am trying to be thankful for that.

So, this post is not a "cry for help" or a "feel bad for us and join the pity party" kind of thing.

It's just honesty.

We are as ready (as we can be!) to meet our little boy. All of this IS worth it to bring him into our lives.

If you'd like to pray for us, pray for healing of sickness in our bodies.

Pray for patience as we go about our daily lives while being ready to change it all at the drop of a hat (or breaking of a water; as a bad joke!)

Pray for a healthy delivery and healthy Silas when he does decide to come.

---and I'll include, prayers of thankfulness for Chad. He has been so strong and so patient through all of this chaos and last minute changes of events, and has been beyond awesome helping out where I'm falling short. He's basically my hero currently.

I think I'm out of words for now.

Back to bed for more rest, although as all mama's know, it never seems to be enough!

2017 in Review!

What. A. Year.

After some very high highs and some very low lows, it's time to look it over and get ready for the new year.

Highs:

Our most exciting news of the year!

It's a boy!

Chad was able to be a member of our friends, Brandon and Samantha's, wedding!

We enjoyed a Blues game for his birthday.

Josh got to dress with the D1 team!

We hosted a cookout over Memorial Day for our friends and family.

In June, we spent a week in Florida visiting my grandparents!

Chad earned an award at the Summer Regional Meeting in Branson for all his hard work!

We spent the weekend in Chicago for a wedding and some sightseeing!

In July, we were able to visit family in Texas!

 Our two highesr highs for the year:

We celebrated 5 years of marriage!

We found out (in Florida!) that we are expecting!
Silas Kevin Rucker will be joining our family in Early February 2018!

And now for the lows...

If you've been following our family, you can probably guess what will go here...

We found out we were expecting in January...and then found out that we lost our babies on March 9th.
I can say without a doubt that that day and the days following were the worst of our lives, the worst and the hardest we had been through, both as a couple and personally. Praise God for growth and healing. 

About 2 weeks after our loss, Chad was rear ended in a 5 car accident that landed him at the ER in a neck brace.
He was fine, but it was scary and heart wrenching to go through so shortly after losing our babies.

In late April, Chad's office was in danger of flooding for the second time in 2 years.

Thankfully, he and fellow FA's rallied with the other members of his plaza to build a sandbag wall around the entire complex and ran pumps to keep the water out!

Not to mention that during all of the flooding, accidents, and loss, Chad was dealing with
the single biggest industry change in 40 years. Sometimes I don't know how he does it!

After moving to a new, DRY office: this happened in Chad's new plaza! 

While I'm sure I'm missing some other highs and lows, I think I'll end it here, as I'm getting overwhelmed!

Looking back on it all, again, all I can say is WOW. 

What a mighty God we serve. 

Again and again in the highs and lows, we've seen His love, His grace, and . His protection over our family.

We are looking forward to another full and exciting year in our lives!

Love, 

Chad, Amy, and Baby Silas (and Dolly and Loki!)

Chad's Office Spring Flood 2017

I can't believe this is happening again.

More flooding. 15 months after the last.

I can't believe the amount of help people have been giving.

From helping to move furniture, to sandbagging, to bringing food to Chad at the "worksite".

I just have so much to be thankful for and so many to say thank you to.

I don't even know where to start.

Maybe once the dust settles a little and I get more than a few hours of sleep per night!

Here's some pictures!

Spring Baseball

Emmett's first t-ball game!

A Rare note from Chad

The last several weeks have been rough, but in the midst of all that has gone on I wanted to share how God has used one song specifically to minister to me.  My continued prayer is that God would use our story right now to help others grow closer to him.

Thy Will by Hillary Scott

This song has ministered to me so much in the last several weeks! I find myself coming back to it over and over again. It comes on the radio what seams like every time I am in the car.

The first verse of this song really hit home to me two and a half weeks ago when we found out the devastating news that Amy had miscarried our first babies.

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I felt like I could relate so much to the lyrics of this song.  I did not know at the time that Hillary Scott actually wrote this song as a letter to God following a miscarriage of her own. I encourage you to listen to how this song came to be below.

After hearing her heart behind the song and why she shared it with everyone I felt I should take a step out in boldness and share our story from my view and that maybe by me sharing my heart it will help someone else.  So here is me trying to be bold for you God!

Today I heard this song and it ministered to me in a whole new way. This time the second verse is what stood out.

On top of the grieving process my plate continues to get more added to it. When all I want to do is escape all the noise, life gets louder.

Professionally the stress levels are higher than ever with major changes taking place due to new regulations.  To add to the personal, yesterday I was the 4th car in a 5 car accident on highway 270. God's Angle's were around me as I drove away with minimal damage to the front and rear of the car and what I thought was no medical issues.

Through-out the day my neck began to hurt turning into a head ache. By evening when I got home from work it was time to got get checked out to make sure it wasn't more serious. After 5 hours in the urgent care and then Emergency room I was released and told I would just be very sore from the whip lash. As I am trying to process this all and understand why, I keep coming back to the second verse of this song.

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am NOT
So

God help me to Stop and remember that you're God and I am Not, you think of things, I could never think about. Help me to count it all as Joy and make sense of all your promises.

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Good news you have in store

Saying "See You Later"

How do you say goodbye to someone you've only known for 9 weeks?

Someone who's face you've never seen, yet they grew under your heart for 9 weeks?

Someone who's lost life haunts the nights when you can't sleep?

You don't.

You know that that tiny life will always be there; in the back of your mind and in heaven.

But what do you do with the leftover pieces?

We chose to put together a box of small mementos to our baby (babies).

I couldn't stand the idea of getting rid of these things:

• The "I was planned" and "I was not!" onesies we planned to announce twins with
• The stack of beautiful cards and letters of support from friends
• The weekly belly photos
• The small items I had begun to purchase to put in baby's Easter basket.
• Lyrics to some songs that have been speaking to us during this time.

The top of the box bears a sticker that says "have faith". 

And that's a reminder to us any time we come across it.

Have faith that God is still holding us,

Have faith that He will someday give us a family,

Have faith that our babies are being held and loved by Jesus as I write,

...And have faith that someday we will meet our sweet children in Heaven.

It still hurts. 

Sometimes the pain is so crippling I have to just focus on closing my eyes and breathing in and out.

Life will never be the same.

We will always miss our babies.

We will always think of them on holidays and during special events we wish we could share with them.

We will think of them and likely cry for them on the day that the Lord blesses us with more children.

There will always be that little piece of broken heart.

In Christ, there are no goodbyes,And in Christ, there is no end,So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have,To see you again

-Homesick by MercyMe

 Babies,
We love you and we miss you.
 If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
You will always have a piece of our hearts with you in heaven.
We will see you again in heaven, but for now we have to say "See You Later"

Love, Mommy and Daddy

1 Samuel 1:27-28

What No One Told Me About Miscarrying.

Let me start this off by saying this

I've never been one of the "I am woman, hear me roar!" type of ladies.

Sure, I love being a girl.

But yesterday was "International Women's Day" and it was hard for me in a way I couldn't have anticipated.

Let me take a step back:

A week ago tonight, I remember texting a friend and saying something  like, "I feel like tomorrow is Christmas morning." regarding our ultrasound appointment the next day (Friday).

Because here's what we didn't announce when we told everyone we were expecting...

...at our first appointment and ultrasound, the doctor thought he may have seen not one, but TWO babies. Twins.Or at least a high possibility of them. Which is why he wanted to see us after another two weeks to verify what he thought.

We thought we were going in on Friday to see if it was one or two babies. One, we had planned for. But TWO? What? How? Us?

I remember stopping outside of the office with Chad and praying something to the effect of, "God, we thank you for this baby or babies, How every many You decide to give us, we will be thankful."

Little did we know. Wow.

...and back to now,

International Women's Day. A day to celebrate all the wonderful ladies in your life, for being what they are, Women.

I can honestly say that going through this situation has never had me feeling less feminine.

What no one ever told me about miscarrying is how un-human and especially un-feminine this makes you feel.

Un-feminine. Un-lovely. Just un...anything.

I've just been feeling like nothing. Like just a blob of human, going through the motions of being a grown up the past few days.

I feel less than female.

I feel violated.

Not physically, but emotionally.

What is wrong with me that I couldn't sustain a healthy pregnancy?

I feel guilty. Everyone always says not to blame yourself...but you do.

You find yourself going over anything and everything you'd done in the past 9 weeks, seeing if you can pin down any certain thing that you did wrong.

I mean,..I'm a healthy 25 year old girl.

I'd been so careful with what I was eating, what I was doing, taking my vitamins, and getting enough rest.

I'm one of 4 kids. My sister had 3 relatively healthy pregnancies.

We prayed and thought over the decision to have children for a LONG time.

...so...what's wrong with me?

I feel empty and ugly and unfeminine and worse.

Not even to mention the roller coaster that my physical body has been on...pain and hormone surges?Crying for no specific reason? Not being able to do what I'm used to doing?

I've never felt so much unlike myself and unlike my fellow women we were all celebrating yesterday.

And that is what no one ever told me.