I've never been one of the "I am woman, hear me roar!" type of ladies.
Sure, I love being a girl.
But yesterday was "International Women's Day" and it was hard for me in a way I couldn't have anticipated.
Let me take a step back:
A week ago tonight, I remember texting a friend and saying something like, "I feel like tomorrow is Christmas morning." regarding our ultrasound appointment the next day (Friday).
Because here's what we didn't announce when we told everyone we were expecting...
...at our first appointment and ultrasound, the doctor thought he may have seen not one, but TWO babies. Twins.Or at least a high possibility of them. Which is why he wanted to see us after another two weeks to verify what he thought.
We thought we were going in on Friday to see if it was one or two babies. One, we had planned for. But TWO? What? How? Us?
I remember stopping outside of the office with Chad and praying something to the effect of, "God, we thank you for this baby or babies, How every many You decide to give us, we will be thankful."
Little did we know. Wow.
...and back to now,
International Women's Day. A day to celebrate all the wonderful ladies in your life, for being what they are, Women.
I can honestly say that going through this situation has never had me feeling less feminine.
What no one ever told me about miscarrying is how un-human and especially un-feminine this makes you feel.
Un-feminine. Un-lovely. Just un...anything.
I've just been feeling like nothing. Like just a blob of human, going through the motions of being a grown up the past few days.
I feel less than female.
I feel violated.
Not physically, but emotionally.
What is wrong with me that I couldn't sustain a healthy pregnancy?
I feel guilty. Everyone always says not to blame yourself...but you do.
You find yourself going over anything and everything you'd done in the past 9 weeks, seeing if you can pin down any certain thing that you did wrong.
I mean,..I'm a healthy 25 year old girl.
I'd been so careful with what I was eating, what I was doing, taking my vitamins, and getting enough rest.
I'm one of 4 kids. My sister had 3 relatively healthy pregnancies.
We prayed and thought over the decision to have children for a LONG time.
...so...what's wrong with me?
Not even to mention the roller coaster that my physical body has been on...pain and hormone surges?Crying for no specific reason? Not being able to do what I'm used to doing?
I've never felt so much unlike myself and unlike my fellow women we were all celebrating yesterday.
And that is what no one ever told me.
I suffered 8, YES 8, miscarriages before we were blessed with our miracle baby boy, Andrew! That was nearly 30 years ago and the word miscarriage still stings. No one except those who have experienced it will truly understand. Believe me...I do!
ReplyDeletePraying Isaiah 26:3 over you both. God is near to the broken-hearted.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I feel your pain. We miscarried our first and twins between the two daughters that God has given us. There are no words to describe the grief....the gut-wrenching grief.
ReplyDeleteI also blamed myself and also blamed God. I had all the "if only" and "why" questions and doubts and frustrations.
After a long time of depression and grieving, the good Lord very patiently began to show me that, according to the Bible, His ways are not my ways and His ways are past finding out. When I quit trying to find answers for the "why" questions and just began to trust that God would give me what I needed as I needed it, I began to finally heal emotionally.
Did the grief and sorrow stop? No. Our first that we miscarried would have turned 19 this month. And I could still cry about it and sometimes do. But God's peace and comfort are there. Do I understand why I had to lose my babies? No. This side of heaven I never will. Some things we just can't understand with our finite minds.
May God heal your broken heart as He has done mine. Cry. Grieve. And don't forget to laugh again.