The Thing We Wish We Didn't Have To Do

As a new parent, there are things you look forward to...

the first bath, first (gas) smile, etc.

While these are great moments, many of which we have been experiencing with Silas recently, there are things we wish we didn't have to do...

Today was one of those.

What did we do?

...well for those who remember, this weekend last year life as we knew it shattered.

We started Friday morning of this weekend last year excited and a little nervous...

We had our 9 week doctors appointment with my OB; and in that appointment we were to find out if I was carrying one or two babies.

At the appointment, we found out that the baby (babies?) was not looking as it should and we needed to go to the perinatal center to find out what was going on.

Sitting in that room at the hospital, we got the worst news possible.

Our baby was gone.

He/she/they had stopped growing and was not showing any signs of viability.

That day ended with surgery for me, and us returning home absolutely emotionally, mentally, and spiritually gutted.

Being that St. Anthony's is a Catholic hospital, they have a portion of their cemetery designated to be a final resting place for our baby's earthly body.

The spot is beautiful, with a statue of Jesus bearing the inscription,  "Let the little children come onto me..."

With this weekend being the one year anniversary of our baby's arrival into Jesus' arms, it was time to visit again; this time with our Silas.

As a parent, we never wanted to have to do the difficult thing we had to do today...introducing Silas to the older sibling(s) he has in heaven.

While today he was definitely unaware of where he was and what this place meant, I know there will be a day that we go to visit and his innocent young mind will have questions...

...about his siblings...

...about why they aren't here...

...about....just...why.

And as his mom and dad we will have to answer his questions, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

And hopefully not sob through it all and scare him.

Going back a year after this happened wasn't easier than in the past.

As all parents of babies in heaven know, it's a hurt that never goes away.

Sure, some days are better than others, but not a day goes by where you don't think of them and wonder who they'd be today, or what their story would have been.

Now, we try to remember that their story was written by God to join Him in heaven long before we ever wanted to let them go.

Ever since we found out that Silas was coming, I knew in my heart this day was coming as well.

And on the night he was born, as I was staring into his beautiful, alert eyes, my thoughts went for just a moment to his sibling(s), and the day that they would be introduced.

As we sat at the grave site today, I told Silas about his sibling, and how they had to go to be with Jesus before we could meet them, and how he would meet them someday in heaven.

I told him that they were still a part of our family, how loved they were and still are, and how his daddy and I hoped he would always remember them and think of them as a wonderful, beautiful part of our family, even though we never met on Earth.

Yeah, today was one of those hard parenting moments, one of those things we wish we didn't have to do; but by God's grace we made it through and will continue to walk through.