I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.
It wasn't the snow, it wasn't the cold.
It was the fact that it's March 3rd.
You see, March 3rd two years ago was the worst day.
The worst day.
The one where your worst fear comes true.
All my life, I've wanted to be a mom.
To spend my days raising tiny, beautiful humans.
Two years ago in January, we found out I was pregnant.
In excitement, I called the doctor and booked an appointment.
The appointment came around, and as the doctor did the ultrasound, he got a smirk on his face.
He told us he saw not one, but two sacs, but it was a little early to be sure.
At that point I sat up and yelled, "WHAT?!" and Chad turned pale.
He asked us to come back in a week to verify.
What a week.
The very thought of twins was exciting and terrifying.
We didn't tell anyone, until we knew for sure.
Walking into our appointment, I stopped and prayed aloud, "Lord, how ever many babies you give us, we promise to be grateful."
Who knew how true that prayer would have to become.
Because during that appointment, the doctor got a different look on his face.
And not a good one.
One that sends us in tears to the perinatal center at the hospital for more testing.
Our beautiful, perfect babies had stopped growing.
All the dreams that I had for my beautiful children crumbled.
Gone.
I (and Chad) felt gutted.
/Lost.
Empty.
There are no words to describe the pain that comes with losing a child.
Or in our case, losing two.
Our babies are in heaven, being held by my grandparents.
But it still hurts.
When i REFUSED to go anywhere on that first Mothers Day,
It still hurt.
We found out we were pregnant a few months later with Silas.
And it still hurt.
The first time I felt him kick, there was a strange mix of emotions.
I thought of them.
When Silas was born, and they laid him on my chest...
I thought of them.
Raising our beautiful, happy boy is a joy we never knew we needed.
Without the loss of our twins, we never would have met Silas.
The absolute joy and tragedy of that isn't lost on us for a moment.
I look forward to the day when I reach heaven and can hold those two precious ones in my arms.
As if I needed another reason to look forward to heaven.
I've always wanted a big family, and God has already given me 3 children to love.
So today I didn't want to get out of bed, but I did.
Because one of my three beautiful children is still here and needs me!
